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[personal profile] viridiian
Deleted my previous entry.

Drama under the cut. If it starts turning into an analysis of my mother, I apologize. My line of thinking isn't exactly the clearest at the moment.

I don't know why I even try to maintain a relationship with her.

After this happening so many times, I should know better, that I'll never be close to my mother.

She was right about one thing. I don't respect her. I don't think I ever will. When she throws tantrums like that right in front of me, how can I? It's like dealing with a hysterical toddler, except she has the strength to throw dishes and a wok at me. She has the nerve to tsk and talk about my dad's mother behind her back, saying how she's like a cave woman with anger issues. She should look at herself.

This has happened ever since I was in middle school, and I never learn. I can go for perhaps a week tops of ignoring her, and then after that I get suckered in. We pretend everything's just fine and okay for a few months, maybe a couple years if we behave, and then something happens. Whether it's her making some pointed comment, or I try to get my own input in during a disagreement. And She. Just. Doesn't. Want. To. Listen. Because how dare I try to explain myself when the Injured Party is Her? She doesn't want to understand; she only cares that I know that she hates me, that she thinks I'm a failure (I already know I am), that I'm ugly, that she gave birth to me so I just shut up and blindly respect her like any other Good Chinese Daughter should.

I get overly emotional and open my big mouth and say something dumb to get her even more angrier as all hell. She blows up and starts chucking dishware. Dad is stuck between the two of us, and tries to restore peace. The only way to placate her is for me to grovel and beg forgiveness, all the while inwardly seething and resenting her.

This isn't healthy for any of us. She has her medical issues; dad is getting up in age and really shouldn't be dealing with childish, petty shit like this; younger brother just had his wisdom teeth taken out today and needs rest, and is also dealing with a stressful semester; I need to be focusing on looking for a new job to move on to, just in case whatever I have planned out currently doesn't pan out.

I'm so tired of this.

Sometimes, I wonder about how different everything could've been if I had ignored her expectations for me in high school and university and just taken my own path. At least then I wouldn't stuck here, quietly blaming her and myself, for being so weak and giving in to her. At least then, even if I failed, I could say, "yes, I made that decision for myself, and I messed up. It was entirely my fault." At least then, I wouldn't be stuck here like this... resenting her for something that isn't her fault. It's because I was too cowardly to fight for myself.

I wish I could say, "Welp. I'm moving out" here because I actually really want to. But rent in the Lower Mainland/Metro Vancouver area is ridiculously overpriced. I'm not close enough with any of my offline friends to ask if I could move in with them. If I had a boyfriend/girlfriend then maybe... A guy working at the same place (different department) is interested in me, but I'm a bit intimidated by him to be honest. If anything goes wrong it's going to be: 5'1" Asian girl vs. burly 5'11" German guy. Unless I'm lucky enough to manage to kick him in the balls, the odds aren't good for me.

... And I have more to add for events that happened later this evening. But I'll talk about that tomorrow if possible.


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